Proper Grammar isn't a Suggestion

Okay people, listen up. While I do understand that auto-correct functions on phones and computers and basically everything else sometimes cause us to forego proofreading, I'm telling you that it's essential to take that extra moment to do a double-take. You can never be too careful.

Your.

You're.

It's.

Its.

Too.

To.

Two.

If you're unable to definitively tell me the difference between each of the two or three words in the individual sets, then you better ask somebody. And that somebody is not me. Perhaps your third grade teacher. Grammar is important, and its rules are not for messing around.

Phat Tony does not play, because he had better things to do.

(P.S. If you want a primer, then re-read this post for correct uses of each word...)

You're Not Better Than the Bartender

I don't know why people feel like they can get away with being an asshole to the bartender.

Don't you know anything? I mean, are you really that stupid?

Haven't you seen how being absurdly respectful to the bartender will get you anything? Free drinks, hassle-free entries, exclusive invitations, insane discounts on private events, opportunities to wine and dine with the elite, etc... It's their job to know everyone that matters.

So to that asshole that yelled at the local bartender because the head on the beer glass overflowed a little, be careful. There's a probably already a hit out on you. And you deserve it. Because you're an idiot.

Don't Talk to Me, You Clearly Don't Know How

Could you please do the world a favor and remove the phrase "No Offense" from your vocabulary?

A disclaimer doesn't remove the damaging edge to your words.

I'd appreciate a "look, Tony, we're friends, so I feel like I can tell you this without expecting long-term and irreparable damage to our friendship, but despite what your goal weight is, you don't fit into that outfit, and I can't be seen with you if you continue to wear it." Okay, so it's offensive, but it's the truth and I have to deal with it.

Leading with "No offense, but..." makes me hate you. More than I already do.

See also "bless his heart..." For example, "aw, that dude is the grimiest douchebag in the world, bless his heart!"

No, You're Not on the List.

So here's something I don't get.

How do some people not know the rules of behavior when it comes to private party attendance?

I don't think you're taught this by your parents, I think you just pick this sort of thing up as you progress through life. My family was (and continues to be) undoubtedly socially inept. I also grew up in the midwest, where high end events didn't really happen. But I get things. And therefore, so should you.

If you receive a paper invitation, addressed only to you, then it means that you, and YOU ALONE, are welcome. You do not bring five other people who have no idea what the party is all about, and who have no idea who to thank for the open bar.

You aren't stupid. You also have the ability to read pieces of paper thoroughly. Combined, you now have the unbelievable power to see the words "BY INVITATION ONLY" and "RSVP REQUIRED"... I don't ask much, but paying even nominal attention is appreciated.

Also, if the invitation says "ATTIRE: COCKTAIL", I refuse to compliment you on your new jeans that hug your ass.